Trying to chose to be happy…

But for some reason, it’s a little tough today.

I’m having one of those days where I realized how much I’ve fucked my life up. Because it’s a lot.

I just need to move on and get over it. I really am working on making everything better, and I’m finally at the point where I’m (usually) thankful for everything I’ve been through because it’s brought me to the point I’m at today.

Except today I just feel like a failure.

I feel like these days are becoming fewer and further apart but I only post like this when I feel down so you guys must think I’m alway just depressed and down on myself.

But really it’s not all that often considering I once felt like this every single day for six years.

I just need to get all my work done and go to bed so this day can be over.

Because tomorrow morning I get on a plane and fly to HAWAIIIIII.

I hate this feeling.

Confession.

On Monday, I went out and bought all my favorite binge foods.

See, when I binge, I buy bags of chips, chocolate, and Starburst. It’s never something that’s just in the house.

Here’s the story.

I’ve been really stressing about school lately, even after dropping Spanish. There’s this girl I’m working with in my marketing class who literally refuses to work with me. And says a lot of hateful things. And talks shit about me to the professor.

So on Monday, after a class full of her trying to make my life a living hell, I wound up at the grocery store. I needed a couple energy drinks… My finals week staple. I never drink them except for finals. And I think it’s okay to have them once in a while.

The next thing I knew I was sitting in my car with two bags of white cheddar popcorn, a bag of ranch Doritos, a bag of Funyuns, a bag of Starburst (yes, a bag), and a bag of peanut butter cups.

Normally I’d consume this over the next three nights.

Yep, all of it. By myself. Over a three-night period. And only eating it an hour or two each night. Basically I’d eat four bags of chips, a bag of chocolate, and a bag of candy in a three to six hours total.

Today it’s Wednesday. The stuff is still in my car.

I guess this is progress in a way. I bought it, which is bad. But I can’t bring myself to let it in the house.

Although I have yet to throw it away.

So it sits in my trunk, in limbo.

Hopefully it’ll all make its way to the trash tomorrow. Or a donation center or something.

Just somewhere far away from me.

Am I the only one who watches the Olympics and assumes I have some sort of secret hidden talent at one of the sports?

And if I could just figure out which sport I’m secretly amazing at, I could win gold in Rio in 2016?

No? Just me?

I leave for Hawaii in a week.

This will be the second time I’m there. And the second time I go feeling bad about my body. The second time I swore I’d lose the weight and didn’t.

Lately, I’ve been feeling good about life. Knowing that I might not look the way I want to but I’m working my ass off to change it. And that even if I don’t look the best, I’m doing my best and healthiest.

But today I just feel disappointed in myself. Like I’ve failed, yet again.

I’m not going to let that be an excuse for eating crap today or not exercising. It’s a fleeting feeling, and hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow.

I battle with myself every day just to not feel like crap. Today I’m not winning. I’m just too tired of the fight.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better.

No Internet :(

Hey guys,

The Internet is out at my house right now. And I hate tumblr on my phone! So I wont really be on tonight. The queue will run like normal though. But I’m waiting until tomorrow to get to my asks and do the tmi Tuesday promo. Sorry!

On another note, I think I’ve gotten maybe five hours of sleep TOTAL since Sunday. Which means I think I’ll be napping this afternoon instead of gymming it like I planned. But sleep is an important aspect of health too, don’t forget! With all the stressing I’ve been doing lately I think my body really needs sleep so I don’t feel guilty about a nap instead of gym today.

Hope everyone is having a happy, healthy day :)

I’m literally stressing out so much…

That I’m about to cry in the middle of my marketing class.

Not exaggerating.

There’s just way too much going on in my life right now, I’m having trouble doing everything as well as I’d like to.

I’ve always been a perfectionist, to the point where I either do something 200% or not at all. Right now I feel so motivated to fix my life, get A’s in my summer classes, workout, eat clean, and get my life in order, but I’m finding it hard to do so.

I’m taking 11 units of classes in five weeks. For comparison, 12 units a semester is a full-time student. Except that a normal semester is 15 weeks long.

Except that I won’t be here the last week of class, so it’s really four weeks for me.

Combine that with trying to work as much as possible, getting ready to move to Florida, and how difficult I’m finding my Spanish class, and it’s a recipe for disaster.

After an amazing, support-filled weekend I’m having a pretty down day.

Things will be better tomorrow… That much I know. I’m just having a really rough day.

On the plus side, I’m so tired when I finally get home I’ve significantly reduced my binge eating at night. So… yay.

So I’m sitting down to study for my Spanish test tomorrow.

I’m really stressing out over this class because I’m not naturally good at it. I’m getting a B in the course but when you’re used to getting A’s without studying, a B with HOURS of effort is really disappointing.

Anyway, the point is that normally I’d sit down, get really frustrated, then get a big bowl of chips or something for “study food.”

But today, I got out all my Spanish material, poured a glass of water, and got out my bowl of marvelous Rainier cherries (have I mentioned how much I love these?).

And put a pack of natural popcorn on the counter for later.

Hopefully by preparing for the study/stress munchies I can at least make better choices while doing so.

We shall see.